The day was a little more difficult than I was expecting. I think I figured the birthday wouldn't be so bad, since that had been such a happy occasion. I imagine Dec. 11, the one year anniversary of when Garrett passed away, will be worse. So I didn't think too much about the birthday beforehand, but once it was here, it was hard not to remember everything from that day.
When I arrived at work, I thought about how this time one year ago, Garrett wasn't even an hour old. My lower half was still numb from the scheduled C-section, but soon enough Chris and I were adoring our little boy -- inspecting his tiny fingers, observing how he had my hair and nose, and marveling at how easily he took to nursing. What a little wonder. We called relatives to announce Garrett's arrival and eagerly waited for visitors to come share in our joy.
As I thought about how excited we were, how perfect Garrett seemed, how complete life felt, the dramatic contrast of what we experienced on that day and what we have been through since was a bit overwhelming. I wasn't a complete wreck, but I had my share of moments throughout the day and went through quite a few tissues.
I didn't take the day off of work, and I think having that distraction helped -- although my head was kind of a mess. I forgot how exhausting it is to get through a day with such a heavy heart.
Rain and snow fell steadily in Rochester, and was continuing in Lake City by the time we got home. It seems somewhat appropriate and poetic for it to be so dreary outside today.
Remembering, loving and missing you, Garrett, today and every day.
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From Mom
ReplyDeleteI wondered if you would work on Garrett's birthday - I hoped that you would have friends around you to comfort you. I worked that day also. I found myself dressed in shades of black and gray which reflected my mood. As I visited my hospice patients - all in their 80's or 90's- I wanted to ask them if they had thanked God for the years He had given them.
Once again I asked Him "why"? Why did Garrett have to endure so much pain - and my precious daughter experience such a catastrophic loss? It makes no sense to me at all. Psalm 139 tells us, "In Your book all the days of my life were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there were none of them". So what happened to the rest of Garrett's days? I believe they were stolen from us and I don't believe it was God's plan at all. One day we will have the answers to our questions. For now we can be comforted in the knowledge that our beloved child is in heaven, free of anything that could harm him. But we still love him and miss him, and I still cry.